Mathematics, applications of mathematics to life in general, and my life as a mathematician.
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* * * Engraved on a mathematician’s tombstone: “Q.E.D.” * * * —You act very brave on the Internet. But could you repeat this looking into my eyes? —Sure. Send me your picture. * * * —Your birthday? —December 26th. —What year? —Every year. * * * Teacher: “How much do we get if we […]
* * * Decimals have a point. * * * During the show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” the following question was asked: What is superfluous in the following list: a carrot, an onion, a potato, a Lexus? A smart 5th grader answered: a carrot, an onion, and a potato. * * * […]
* * * — If a black cat crosses in front of you and then crosses back, what does it mean? Is your bad luck doubled or canceled? — Is this a scalar or a vector cat? — Huh? — A scalar cat doubles and a vector cat cancels. * * * Unbuttered bread, unable […]
* * * A Generic Limerick (submitted by Michael Chepovetsky) There once was an X from place B, Who satisfied predicate P, The X did thing A, In a specified way, Resulting in circumstance C. * * * I just learned that 4,416,237 people got married in the US in 2010. Not to nitpick, but […]
* * * Today I saw an ad — “A printer for sale” — handwritten. Hmm. * * * What do you call a motherboard on your spouse’s computer? The motherboard-in-law. Share:
My Jewish ex-father-in-law, Naum Bernstein, is 96 years old and is full of life. He has a joke for every situation. In the last decade he wrote several volumes of memoirs in Russian. One of the books was a collection of his favorite jokes and his explanations of them. I decided to retell some of […]
* * * A note posted on the door of the tech-support department: “Theory — you know everything, but nothing works. Practice — everything works, but nobody knows why. In our department we merge theory with practice: nothing works and nobody knows why. * * * A plus is two minuses at each others’ throats. […]
The jokes are a rough translation from a Russian collection, except the last one I invented myself. * * * — Moishe, do you know how many cuckolds are there in Odessa not counting you? — What? What do you mean by saying “not counting you”? — Sorry. Okay then, how many counting you? * […]
* * * Birthdays are beneficial for your health. A new breakthrough statistical study unequivocally proved that the more birthdays one has the longer one lives. * * * We know through Erdös that “a mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems”. It thus follows by duality that a comathematician is a device […]
I could no longer resist: I added a section of physics jokes to my math jokes collection: * * * A hydrogen atom says to the bartender, “Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine.” “Are you sure you lost it?” the bartender asks. And the hydrogen atom […]
