Archive for the ‘Math Humor’ Category.

16th August 2022, 10:24 am

Here is the current picture of my coauthor, Joel Lewis. I remember him from many years ago when he was a graduate student at MIT. I am glad he kept his big smile.

Back to the subject matter. Joel Lewis made a comment on my recent post, thinking-outside-the-box ideas. He mentioned his two theorems:

**The Big Point Theorem.** *Any three lines intersect at a point, provided that the point is big enough.*

**The Thick Line Theorem.** *Any three points lie on the same line, provided that the line is thick enough.*

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30th December 2021, 07:13 pm

27th December 2021, 12:13 pm

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My daughter was talking at her kindergarten about what her parents do for work. She said that her mom catches bugs, invokes demons, and talks to clods.

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I have neither Twitter nor Instagram. I just go for a walk to tell strangers what I ate and drank and how things are at work and at home. I have three followers: a doctor and two policemen.

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Life is like Rubik’s cube: fix one side, better not look at the rest.

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My Roomba just devoured a piece of cheese I wanted to pick up and eat. The war between humans and robots is already here.

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28th November 2021, 01:54 pm

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I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette. Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%.

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What has the probability of one in five million?

Zero: there’s no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

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Two classmates:

—What did you think of our probability exam yesterday?

—All means to an end.

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My classmate didn’t study for our test in probability.

“I’ll take my chances”, he said.

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I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

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Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

* * * (submitted by Sergei Bernstein)

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “I’ll have three beers please.”

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What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails?

The probability of getting a head is zero.

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20th December 2019, 02:31 pm

You might have noticed that my blogging slowed down significantly in the
last several months. I had mono: My brain was foggy, and I was tired
all the time. Now I am feeling better, and I am writing again. What
better way to get back to writing than to start with some jokes?

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The wife of a math teacher threw him out from point A to point B.

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At the job interview at Google.

—How did you hear about our company?

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

50% of marriages end with divorce. The other 50% end with death.

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People say that I am illogical. This is not so, though this is true.

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Humanity invented the decimal system, because people have 10 fingers.
And they invented 32-bit computers, because people have 32 teeth.

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When a person tells me, “I was never vaccinated, and, as you can see, I
am fine,” I reply, “I also want to hear the opinion of those who were
never vaccinated and died.”

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I will live forever. I have collected a lot of data over the years, and
in all of the examples, it is always someone else who dies.

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Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last two years put together.

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I am afraid to have children as one day I will have to help them with math.

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20th February 2018, 02:20 pm

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Business plan:

- Sign-up for a premium-rate telephone number through which you make money from every call.
- Take a loan at the bank.
- Do not pay back.
- Collection agencies start calling non-stop.

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- TMake a full-body selfie.
- Eat greedily for a year.
- Take a full-body selfie again.
- Swap before and after.
- Post.
- Collect the likes.
- Give diet advice.

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A cafe patron ordered a pastry, then changed his mind and replaced it with a cup of coffee. When he finished his coffee, he started leaving without paying. The waiter approached him:

—You didn’t pay for coffee!

—But I had it instead of the pastry.

—You didn’t pay for the pastry either!

—But I didn’t have the pastry.

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At a farmers market stand there is a sign: 1 melon—3 dollars, 3 melons—10 dollars. A client requests one melon and pays 3 dollars, then repeats the procedure two more times. Then he says: “I bought three melons for 9 dollars, while you are trying to sell them for 10 dollars. This is really stupid.” The farmer talks to himself: This happens all the time: they buy three melons instead of one, and try to teach me how to make money.

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If the government listens in on my phone conversations, should they be paying half of my phone bill?

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To get to free downloads, please, enter your credit card number.

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The biggest lie of the century, “I have read and agree to the terms of …”

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Ignorance: If your poker opponent got lucky cards four times in a row, he must get lousy cards now.

Knowledge: Nope, the deals are independent; prior observations have no bearing on the next deal.

Wisdom: The opponent is cheating; get away from the table now!Share:

14th December 2017, 01:00 pm

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

I can count to 1023 on my 10 fingers. The rudest number is 132.

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I kept forgetting my password, so I changed it to “incorrect”. Now, when I make a mistake during login, my computer reminds me: “Your password is incorrect.”

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—You promised me 8% interest, and in reality it is 2%.

—2 is 8—to some degree.

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Quantum entanglement is simple: when you have a pair of socks and you put one of them on your left foot, the other one becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

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Teacher:

—I keep telling my students that one half can’t be larger or smaller than the other. Still the larger half of my class doesn’t get it.Share:

14th June 2017, 02:06 pm

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Don’t anthropomorphize computers: They don’t like it.

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I do not have dreams any more. What did I do wrong to make them delete my account?

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How to restore justice: Create a folder named Justice. Delete it. Go to the trash bin and click restore.

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An asocial network: When you sign up, you are friends with everyone. Then you send un-friend requests.Share:

8th December 2016, 04:15 pm

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—Honey, we are like two parallel lines.

—Why do you say that?

—The intersection of our life paths was a mistake.

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—Q: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

—A: Because it was over 90 degrees.

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Ancient Roman in a clothing store: How come XL is larger than L?

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—Which is the odd one out: one, three, six, seven?

—Well, three of them are odd ones.

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When I am with you, I solve integrals in my head, so that blood can come back to my brain.

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There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

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Seven has the word even in it, which is odd.Share:

11th March 2016, 12:45 pm

I’ve been collecting math jokes for many years. I thought I’ve seen them all. No. Inventive people continue to create them. I was recently sent a link to a math joke website that features many jokes that are new to me. Here are my favorites:

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With massive loss of generality, let $n=5$.

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How do you prove a cotheorem? Using rollaries.

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$0\to A\to B \to C \to 0$. Exactly.

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Let $\varepsilon\to 0$. There goes the neighborhood!

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Take a positive integer $N$. No, wait, $N$ is too big; take a positive integer $k$.

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Calculus has its limits.

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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

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There’s a marked difference between a ruler and a straightedge.

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Suppose there is no empty set. Then consider the set of all empty sets.

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Q: Why is it an insult to call someone “abelian”?

A: It means they only have a 1-dimensional character, and are self-centered.

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Q: What’s a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

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A logician rides an elevator. The door opens and someone asks:

—”Are you going up or down?”

—”Yes.”Share: