Archive for the ‘Math Humor’ Category.

12th February 2023, 01:47 pm

Putin’s bodyguards `collect his excrement on trips abroad and take it back to Russia with them’. This was an article in the Independent. Presumably, Putin is afraid that someone can analyze his waste to get information about his health. Here is a quote from the article.

According to the report, members of the Russian president’s Federal Protection Service (FPS) are responsible for collecting his bodily waste in specialised packets which are then placed in a dedicated briefcase for the journey home.

Here is my joke on the subject.

**Joke.** Putin’s guard collecting his waste wrote a book of memoirs. The book has two chapters: Number One and Number Two.

Share:

2nd December 2022, 08:52 pm

My former IMO coach, Gregory Galperin, converted a famous joke into a logic puzzle, adding a variation.

**Puzzle.** Ten logicians walked into a cafe. Each knew whether they wanted tea or coffee, but no one knew each other’s preferences. When they sat at a table, the waiter asked loudly, “Will everyone be having coffee?” Then the waiter went around the table, writing down each person’s answer.

There were three possible answers: “I don’t know”, “Yes”, and “No”. All answers were truthful and spoken loudly so that all group members heard them.

- Suppose the first nine people said, “I don’t know”, and the tenth person said, “Yes”. How many of them wanted coffee?
- Suppose the sixth and the seventh answers were not the same. How many people said, “I don’t know”, how many said, “No”, and how many said, “Yes”. Find the smallest number of people who for sure would have ordered coffee and the smallest number who for sure would have wanted tea?

Share:

4th October 2022, 04:47 pm

* * *

I hate getting into debates about Möbius strips. They’re always one-sided.

* * *

North Korea’s ballistic missile test failed due to a bug in Windows. The next missile containing a bug report has been automatically sent to Microsoft.

* * *

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

* * *

Do you know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

* * *

Why was algebra so easy for the Romans? X was always 10.

Share:

16th August 2022, 10:24 am

Here is the current picture of my coauthor, Joel Lewis. I remember him from many years ago when he was a graduate student at MIT. I am glad he kept his big smile.

Back to the subject matter. Joel Lewis made a comment on my recent post, thinking-outside-the-box ideas. He mentioned his two theorems:

**The Big Point Theorem.** *Any three lines intersect at a point, provided that the point is big enough.*

**The Thick Line Theorem.** *Any three points lie on the same line, provided that the line is thick enough.*

Share:

30th December 2021, 07:13 pm

27th December 2021, 12:13 pm

* * *

My daughter was talking at her kindergarten about what her parents do for work. She said that her mom catches bugs, invokes demons, and talks to clods.

* * *

I have neither Twitter nor Instagram. I just go for a walk to tell strangers what I ate and drank and how things are at work and at home. I have three followers: a doctor and two policemen.

* * *

Life is like Rubik’s cube: fix one side, better not look at the rest.

* * *

My Roomba just devoured a piece of cheese I wanted to pick up and eat. The war between humans and robots is already here.

Share:

28th November 2021, 01:54 pm

* * *

I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette. Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%.

* * *

What has the probability of one in five million?

Zero: there’s no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

* * *

Two classmates:

—What did you think of our probability exam yesterday?

—All means to an end.

* * *

My classmate didn’t study for our test in probability.

“I’ll take my chances”, he said.

* * *

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

* * *

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

* * * (submitted by Sergei Bernstein)

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “I’ll have three beers please.”

* * *

What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails?

The probability of getting a head is zero.

Share:

20th December 2019, 02:31 pm

You might have noticed that my blogging slowed down significantly in the
last several months. I had mono: My brain was foggy, and I was tired
all the time. Now I am feeling better, and I am writing again. What
better way to get back to writing than to start with some jokes?

* * *

The wife of a math teacher threw him out from point A to point B.

* * *

At the job interview at Google.

—How did you hear about our company?

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

50% of marriages end with divorce. The other 50% end with death.

* * *

People say that I am illogical. This is not so, though this is true.

* * *

Humanity invented the decimal system, because people have 10 fingers.
And they invented 32-bit computers, because people have 32 teeth.

* * *

When a person tells me, “I was never vaccinated, and, as you can see, I
am fine,” I reply, “I also want to hear the opinion of those who were
never vaccinated and died.”

* * *

I will live forever. I have collected a lot of data over the years, and
in all of the examples, it is always someone else who dies.

* * *

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last two years put together.

* * *

I am afraid to have children as one day I will have to help them with math.

Share:

20th February 2018, 02:20 pm

* * *

Business plan:

- Sign-up for a premium-rate telephone number through which you make money from every call.
- Take a loan at the bank.
- Do not pay back.
- Collection agencies start calling non-stop.

* * *

- TMake a full-body selfie.
- Eat greedily for a year.
- Take a full-body selfie again.
- Swap before and after.
- Post.
- Collect the likes.
- Give diet advice.

* * *

A cafe patron ordered a pastry, then changed his mind and replaced it with a cup of coffee. When he finished his coffee, he started leaving without paying. The waiter approached him:

—You didn’t pay for coffee!

—But I had it instead of the pastry.

—You didn’t pay for the pastry either!

—But I didn’t have the pastry.

* * *

At a farmers market stand there is a sign: 1 melon—3 dollars, 3 melons—10 dollars. A client requests one melon and pays 3 dollars, then repeats the procedure two more times. Then he says: “I bought three melons for 9 dollars, while you are trying to sell them for 10 dollars. This is really stupid.” The farmer talks to himself: This happens all the time: they buy three melons instead of one, and try to teach me how to make money.

* * *

If the government listens in on my phone conversations, should they be paying half of my phone bill?

* * *

To get to free downloads, please, enter your credit card number.

* * *

The biggest lie of the century, “I have read and agree to the terms of …”

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Ignorance: If your poker opponent got lucky cards four times in a row, he must get lousy cards now.

Knowledge: Nope, the deals are independent; prior observations have no bearing on the next deal.

Wisdom: The opponent is cheating; get away from the table now!Share:

14th December 2017, 01:00 pm

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

I can count to 1023 on my 10 fingers. The rudest number is 132.

* * *

I kept forgetting my password, so I changed it to “incorrect”. Now, when I make a mistake during login, my computer reminds me: “Your password is incorrect.”

* * *

—You promised me 8% interest, and in reality it is 2%.

—2 is 8—to some degree.

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Quantum entanglement is simple: when you have a pair of socks and you put one of them on your left foot, the other one becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

* * *

Teacher:

—I keep telling my students that one half can’t be larger or smaller than the other. Still the larger half of my class doesn’t get it.Share: