Archive for the ‘Math Humor’ Category.

Nerdy Jokes from the Russian Web

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Engraved on a mathematician’s tombstone: “Q.E.D.”

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—You act very brave on the Internet. But could you repeat this looking into my eyes?
—Sure. Send me your picture.

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—Your birthday?
—December 26th.
—What year?
—Every year.

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Teacher: “How much do we get if we cut eight into two halves?”
Student: “Two threes, if we cut vertically; and two zeros, if we cut horizontally.”

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A Visual Proof

Infinity ProofI found a strange piece of paper in an old pile. I believe that it is a visual proof of the following statement:

If ∞ = 1/0, then 0 = 1/∞.

Proof. Assume ∞ = 1/0. Rotate each side of the equation counterclockwise 90 degrees. We get 8 = −10. Subtract 8, getting 0 = −18. Then rotate both parts back: 0 = 1/∞. QED.

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Nerdy Jokes from the Web

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Decimals have a point.

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During the show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” the following question was asked:

What is superfluous in the following list: a carrot, an onion, a potato, a Lexus?

A smart 5th grader answered: a carrot, an onion, and a potato.

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If you buy 3 DVDs for the price of 4, you will get one more as a bonus.

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Only yesterday, today was tomorrow.

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By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

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Finally artificial intelligence has caught up with humans: when filling out electronic forms, many humans need several tries to prove they are not robots.

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Be back in 5 minutes. If I am late, reread this sms.

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— We’ll split the money 50-50.
— I want 70.
— Okay, 70-70!

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Jokes from the Web

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— If a black cat crosses in front of you and then crosses back, what does it mean? Is your bad luck doubled or canceled?
— Is this a scalar or a vector cat?
— Huh?
— A scalar cat doubles and a vector cat cancels.

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Unbuttered bread, unable to cause the usual harm, tries to fall on the dirtiest spot.

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Chance is a design carefully planned by someone else.

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Wikipedia: I know everything.
Google: I can find anything.
Facebook: I know everyone.
Internet: You are nothing without me.
Electricity: Shut up, jerks.

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Yesterday I bought pills to increase my IQ. Couldn’t open the jar.

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Today I opened my desktop’s case and finally understood whither my trash is emptied.

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More Nerdy Humor

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— I’ve noticed that fools are always sure of themselves, while clever people are doubtful.
— No doubt.

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— What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?
— She’s no longer my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.
— I don’t believe that she cheated on you!
— Well, a couple of nights ago I called her, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns.

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A programmer calls the library:
— Can I talk to Kate please?
— She’s in the archive.
— Can you unzip her?

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To protect the population from airplane disasters, Congress has ratified an addendum to the law of gravity.

* * * (invented by David Bernstein)

Energy conservation: it’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.

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— Your computer is such a mess.
— It got a nasty virus.
— And it poured coffee on your keyboard?

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After little Tom learned to count, his father had to start dividing dumplings evenly.

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In spite of the crisis, inflation, and erratic fluctuations of the market, Russian mathematicians promised the president to keep number Pi between 3 and 4 until at least the end of the year.

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A logician rides an elevator. The door opens and someone asks:
— Are you going up or down?
— Yes.

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Time for Nerdy Humor

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Logic: if an empty yogurt container is in the sink, a spoon is in the garbage can.

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Logically, a wireless mouse should be called a hamster.

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— I started a new life today.
— You quit smoking and drinking?
— No, I changed my email and Facebook accounts.

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— The reviewer has rejected your paper submitted to our math journal because it doesn’t contain any theorems or fomulae or even numbers.
— Wait a minute. Your reviewer is mistaken. There are page numbers on every page.

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A kyboard for sal: only on ky dosn’t work.

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My computer always beats me in chess. In revenge, I always beat it in a boxing match.

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— Were your parents married when you were born?
— 50%.
— 50%?
— Yes, my father was married and my mother was not.

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Two programmers are talking:
— I can’t turn on my oven.
— What’s the error message?

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May the Force Be with You!

May the Mass times the Acceleration be with you!

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Translated from Russian

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I am taking my dog to tweet. He’ll check other dog’s posts at every pole and will leave his comments.

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Not many people know that 1000 chameleons is a chabillion.

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The Internet paradox: it connects people who are far apart, and disconnects those who are close.

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We bought a cell phone for our TV set. We attached it to the remote control, so that we can call our TV when the remote is lost.

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Mary’s mom failed arithmetic. Actually, that is why Mary was born.

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Your call is very important to us. Please, hold. And in the meantime, to protect your health, our customer care team encourages you to drink a glass of water at least every two hours.

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Who is your favorite computer game character?
The stick from Tetris.

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Our new boss invited everyone to bring their keyboards to his office. He kept the employees who had worn letters and laid off the ones with worn arrows.

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My son will be a hacker. He started his career before he was born: he found a flaw in the condom.

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Recent Geeky Jokes

* * * A Generic Limerick (submitted by Michael Chepovetsky)

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

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I just learned that 4,416,237 people got married in the US in 2010. Not to nitpick, but shouldn’t it be an even number?

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We are happy to announce that 100% of Russian citizens are computer-savvy and use the Internet on a regular basis (according to a recent Internet survey).

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Two math teachers had a fight. It seems they couldn’t divide something.

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Do you know that if you start counting seconds, once you reach 31,556,926 you discover that you have wasted a whole year?

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What I need after a visit to the hairdresser is a “Save” button.

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— Hello! Is this a fax machine?
— Yes.

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— I am not fat at all! My girlfriend tells me that I have a perfect figure.
— Your girlfriend is a mathematician. For her a perfect figure is a sphere.

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A: Hi, how are you?
B: +
A: Will you come to classes today?
B: –
A: You will be kicked out!
B: =
A: Are you using your calculator to chat?

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How Much is Two and Two?

A mathematician is someone who pauses when asked “How much is two and two?”

Indeed, the answer might be:

  • 0 — modulo 4.
  • 1 — in characteristic 3.
  • 2 — if AND is considered as a logical operation.
  • 4 ± ε — for approximate values of 2.
  • 4 — (almost forgot this case).
  • 10 — in base 4.
  • 11 — in base 3.
  • 22 — for string concatenations.
  • MSC — (this one is your homework).
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