Archive for the ‘Math Humor’ Category.

11th March 2016, 12:45 pm

I’ve been collecting math jokes for many years. I thought I’ve seen them all. No. Inventive people continue to create them. I was recently sent a link to a math joke website that features many jokes that are new to me. Here are my favorites:

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With massive loss of generality, let $n=5$.

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How do you prove a cotheorem? Using rollaries.

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$0\to A\to B \to C \to 0$. Exactly.

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Let $\varepsilon\to 0$. There goes the neighborhood!

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Take a positive integer $N$. No, wait, $N$ is too big; take a positive integer $k$.

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Calculus has its limits.

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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

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There’s a marked difference between a ruler and a straightedge.

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Suppose there is no empty set. Then consider the set of all empty sets.

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Q: Why is it an insult to call someone “abelian”?

A: It means they only have a 1-dimensional character, and are self-centered.

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Q: What’s a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

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A logician rides an elevator. The door opens and someone asks:

—”Are you going up or down?”

—”Yes.”

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27th November 2015, 02:21 pm

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—Mike, here are 10 chocolates. Give half of them to your brother.

—OK. I’ll give him three chocolates.

—You can’t count?

—I can, but he can’t.

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—How is your progress?

—50%.

—Done or left to do?

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—Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

—A: An Algorithm.

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I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

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—Q: Why shouldn’t you argue with a decimal?

—A: Decimals always have a point.

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—I am cold.

—Go stay in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

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Arithmetic is the art of counting up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

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I bought a book online “How to implement an Internet scam.” Somehow, though, it’s been a while, and I still haven’t received it.

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Sex is a pathetic thrill for losers who are not able to take a triple integral.

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Paradox: Less money, more need to count it.

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12th June 2015, 02:52 pm

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Do you know a statistics joke?

Probably, but it’s mean!

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Twelve different world statisticians studied Russian roulette. Ten of them proved that it is perfectly safe. The other two scientists were unfortunately not able to join the final discussion.

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A statistician bought a new tool that finds correlations between different fields in databases. Hoping for new discoveries he ran his new tool on his large database and found highly correlated events. These are his discoveries:

- The most correlated fields were the title and the gender. If the title is Mr., then the gender is male.
- The children have the same last names as parents.
- The children are much younger than the parents.
- The main cause of divorces is weddings.

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Scientists discovered that the main cause of living ’till old age is an error on the birth certificate.

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Scientists concluded that children do not really use the Internet. This is proven by the fact that the percentage of people saying ‘No’ when asked ‘Are you over 18?’ is close to zero.

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— Please, close the window, it is cold outside.

— Do you think it will get warmer, after I close it?

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16th February 2015, 10:05 pm

It is time to report on my weight loss progress. Unfortunately, the report is very boring; I am still stuck at the same weight: 225. What can I do? Let’s laugh about it. Here are some jokes on the subject.

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After the holidays I stepped on my scale. After an hour I tried again and had a revelation: tears weigh nothing!

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I am on a miracle diet: I eat everything and hope for a miracle.

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Ideas to lose weight: A glass of water three days before your meal.

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I wanted to lose five pounds by this summer, now I have only ten pounds to lose to reach my goal.

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19th December 2014, 04:22 pm

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A button of unknown functionality should be pressed an even number of times.

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When I tell you that I am closer to 30 than to 20, I mean to tell you that I am 42.

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If a car with a student-driver sign gets its windshield wipers turned on, then the car is about to turn.

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I always learn from the mistakes of people who followed my advice.

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A traffic policeman stops a car:

—You’re going 70 in a 35 miles-per-hour zone.

—But there are two of us!

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The most popular tweet, “Live your life so that you do not have time for social networks.”

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17th November 2014, 01:01 am

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A mathematical tragedy: two parallel lines fall in love.

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Life is not fair, even among gadgets: the desktop misbehaves, the monitor gets smacked.

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An amazing magic trick! Think of a number, add 5 to it, then subtract 5. The result is the number you thought of!

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—How can you distinguish a mathematician from a physicist?

—Ask for an antonym for the word *parallel*.

—And?

—A mathematician will answer *perpendicular*, and a physicist *serial*.

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—How can you distinguish a physicist from a mathematician?

—Ask the person to walk around a post.

—And?

—A physicist will ask *why*, and a mathematician *clockwise or counter-clockwise*?

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—Some bike thief managed to open my combination lock. How could they possibly guess that the combo was the year of the canonization of Saint Dominic by Pope Gregory IX at Rieti, Italy?

—What year was that?

—1234.

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—Hello? Is this the anonymous FBI tip-line?

—Yes, Mr. Benson.

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—My five-year-old son knows the first 20 digits of Pi.

—Wow!

— I use it as the password on my laptop, where I keep all the games.

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I learned three things in school: how to rite and how to count.

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10th October 2014, 04:39 pm

Whenever I am under stress, I turn to jokes. My recent problems with spam attacks on my blog led me to surf the web for new math jokes. Here are some of my recent translations from Russian.

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Two is the same thing as eight, to some degree.

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A girl to her mathematician boyfriend:

— Let’s do something that is forbidden tonight.

— Divide by zero?

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If thoughts converge, they are bounded.

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A mathematician’s son:

— Dad, how do I write the number 8?

— That’s easy: rotate the infinity symbol by pi over 2.

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My student couldn’t take an integral from my book. So he took the book together with all the integrals there.

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Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes is the seeker. Pascal hides, but Newton draws a 1-meter square around himself. Archimedes opens his eyes and shouts:

— I see Newton!

— Oh, no! One newton per square meter is the pascal.

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What a pleasure to smoke an e-cigarette after cybersex…

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Russians were the first in the world to create a computer program that passes the Turing test. Scientists tested the program using several Russians with a variety of questions, and each time the program gave the same answer as the people. The reply to every question was, “Go f*ck yourself!”

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There are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types people…

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25th June 2014, 07:57 am

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—Describe yourself in three words.

—Lazy.

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Internet forum:

—Tell me about yourself.

—I am lazy and I like to eat.

—Tell me some more.

—I am tired of typing. I’ll go grab a snack.

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—Why do you want to divorce your wife?

—She nags too much. For the last half six month, she’s been bugging me everyday to throw away the Christmas tree.

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Yesterday I realized that I’m not the laziest person in the world. I saw my neighbor walking the dog on a leash through his window.

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The list of symptoms of laziness:

1)

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6th June 2014, 10:35 am

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—Honey, have you blocked our computer?

—Yes.

—What’s the password?

—Our wedding date.

—%?#!!

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—What’s the pin on our card?

—We’re on a public chat, honey. Why don’t I sms it?

—But I forgot my phone. Please tell me, cupcake!

—Okay. By digit: the second digit of our apartment number, the fourth digit of your phone number, the month of my birthday, and the number of our children.

—Got it. How clever! 8342, right?

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—Where is the report?

—We are stuck. The tech people took our monitor with passwords.

—What!?!

—Our monitor got broken so the techs took it for repair. Our passwords were written on the stand.

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12th February 2014, 10:56 am

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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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To understand what a recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

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A guy is complaining to his mathematician friend:

— I have a problem. I have difficulty waking up in the morning.

— Logically, counting sheep backwards should help.

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— Can I ask you a question?

— You can, but you have already just done that.

— Darn, what about two questions?

— You can, but that was your second question.

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The Internet ethics committee worked hard to generate a list of words that should never be used on the Internet. The problem is, now they can’t post it.

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Quantum entanglement of a pair of socks: As soon as one is designated as the left, the other instantly becomes the right.

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