Archive for the ‘Math Humor’ Category.

Computer Security Jokes

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—Honey, have you blocked our computer?
—Yes.
—What’s the password?
—Our wedding date.
—%?#!!

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—What’s the pin on our card?
—We’re on a public chat, honey. Why don’t I sms it?
—But I forgot my phone. Please tell me, cupcake!
—Okay. By digit: the second digit of our apartment number, the fourth digit of your phone number, the month of my birthday, and the number of our children.
—Got it. How clever! 8342, right?

* * *

—Where is the report?
—We are stuck. The tech people took our monitor with passwords.
—What!?!
—Our monitor got broken so the techs took it for repair. Our passwords were written on the stand.

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More Math Jokes

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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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To understand what a recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

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A guy is complaining to his mathematician friend:
— I have a problem. I have difficulty waking up in the morning.
— Logically, counting sheep backwards should help.

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— Can I ask you a question?
— You can, but you have already just done that.
— Darn, what about two questions?
— You can, but that was your second question.

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The Internet ethics committee worked hard to generate a list of words that should never be used on the Internet. The problem is, now they can’t post it.

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Quantum entanglement of a pair of socks: As soon as one is designated as the left, the other instantly becomes the right.

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Intellectual Jokes

I collect geeky jokes. I think I’ve heard most of them. So I was surprised to stumble upon a website with many new ones: 50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’. These are some of them:

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Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

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Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

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There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

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This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

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There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

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A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, “So, is it a boy or a girl”? The logician replies, “Yes.”

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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

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The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

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A woman walks in on her husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”

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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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An Irresistible Cannonball

I gave the following puzzle from Raymond Smullyan’s book What is the Name of this Book? to my AMSA students.

What happens if an irresistible cannonball hits an immovable post?

This puzzle is known as the Irresistible Force Paradox. The standard answer is that the given conditions are contradictory and the two objects cannot exist at the same time.

My AMSA student gave me a much cuter answer: The post falls in love with the cannonball as it is so irresistible.

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Vampires versus Mathematicians

I just compared two searches on Google Trends:

  • How to become a vampire is in blue.
  • How to become a mathematician is in red.

Vampires versus Mathematicians

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February Jokes

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Grigori Perelman’s theorem: There is no offer you can’t refuse.

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A conversation between two Russians:
— Run to the store and fetch a couple bottles of vodka.
— How much is a couple?
— Seven.

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— Is it true that the Windows operating system was copied from a UFO computer that crashed in Roswell?
— All we know for sure is that the UFO that didn’t crash had a different operating system.

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I saw our system administrator’s shopping list. The first line was tomatoes.zip for ketchup.

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Nerdy and Flirtatious Jokes

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Right clicking a file with a mouse will allow you to change it, check it for viruses, or revert to the previous version. I wonder where I can buy a mouse that can do the same thing with my husband.

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— Let’s have sex.
— Sure, but today I want to be the numerator.

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Attention! We want to check that you are not a robot. Please, undress and turn on a web-camera.

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In a drug store:
— I would like input and output cleaners.
— ???
— Toothpaste and toilet paper.

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I used to recount the multiplication tables to delay my ejaculation. Now, each time I see the multiplication tables I get a hard on.

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— Tonight my parents are away. Let’s finally try a forbidden thing.
— Dividing by zero?

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My friend put his mistress in his phone’s contact list as ‘low battery’.

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A Visit to Smullyan

Raymond Smullyan 2012I visited Raymond Smullyan on my way home from Penn State. We went for lunch at Selena’s Diner. What do two mathematicians do during lunch? Exchange magic tricks and jokes, of course. Here is a story Raymond told me:

Raymond: What is the date?
Stranger: I do not know.
Raymond: But you have a newspaper in your pocket!
Stranger: It’s no use. It’s yesterday’s.

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Nerdy Jokes from the Russian Web

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Engraved on a mathematician’s tombstone: “Q.E.D.”

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—You act very brave on the Internet. But could you repeat this looking into my eyes?
—Sure. Send me your picture.

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—Your birthday?
—December 26th.
—What year?
—Every year.

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Teacher: “How much do we get if we cut eight into two halves?”
Student: “Two threes, if we cut vertically; and two zeros, if we cut horizontally.”

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A Visual Proof

Infinity ProofI found a strange piece of paper in an old pile. I believe that it is a visual proof of the following statement:

If ∞ = 1/0, then 0 = 1/∞.

Proof. Assume ∞ = 1/0. Rotate each side of the equation counterclockwise 90 degrees. We get 8 = −10. Subtract 8, getting 0 = −18. Then rotate both parts back: 0 = 1/∞. QED.

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