Tanya Khovanova's Math Blog

For the last homework assignment, I gave my students the task of finishing a famous Russian joke. Problem. At the height of the Cold War, a U.S. racing car easily beat a Russian car in a two-car race. How did the Russian newspapers truthfully report this in order to make it look as though the Russian car had outdone the American car?

The joke was that the Russian newspapers truthfully reported that the Russian car came in second and the American car second to last.

One of my students, William, got a different idea and wrote a whole article.

AMERICAN CAR STOPS RUNNING LONG BEFORE RUSSIAN CAR FINISHES RACE

A Russian car and an American car were competing in a two-car race. At one point, the American car mysteriously drove off the race course and stopped. Of course, this meant that the race was over for them. All that the Americans could do was watch on the sidelines for the Russian car to reach the end of the course, which it completed successfully. The outcome of the race was in no way uncertain. Congratulations, Russians!

Here is an old joke.

A cat is chasing a mouse, and the mouse hides into its little hole. While it’s in there, the mouse hears some barking, “Woof! Woof!” Smart mouse figures a dog scared off the cat, so it peeks out. But guess what? Cat’s still there and catches the mouse, saying, “See, that’s why it pays to know foreign languages!!”

I gave a short talk about my favorite math jokes at G4G15. G4G stands for the Gathering for Gardner, my favorite conference. Here is a joke about Heisenberg from my talk.

* * *

Heisenberg gets pulled over on the highway.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going, sir?”
Heisenberg: “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

After my talk, David Albert sent me a sequel to this joke.

* * *

Heisenberg gets pulled over on the highway.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going, sir?”
Heisenberg: “No, but I know exactly where I am.”
Cop: “You were going 85 miles per hour”.
Heisenberg: “Oh great—now I’m lost!”

Here is another joke from the conference.

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—Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
—He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke, too, got an awesome sequel from Jesse Lauzon.

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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
—He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
—Well, that’s only natural!

Here is the most recent addition to my collection from my friend, Alexander Karabegov.

* * *

A trigonometry professor lost his voice and had to use sine language.

The homework I give to my students (who are in 6th through 9th grades) often starts with a math joke related to the topic. Once, I decided to let them be the comedians. One of the homework questions was to invent a math joke. Here are some of their creations. Two of my students decided to restrict themselves to the topic we studied that week: sorting algorithms. The algorithm jokes are at the end.

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A binary integer asked if I could help to double its value for a special occasion. I thought it might want a lot of space, but it only needed a bit.

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Everyone envies the circle. It is well-rounded and highly educated: after all, it has 360 degrees.

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Why did Bob start dating a triangle? It was acute one.

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Why is Bob scared of the square root of 2? Because he has irrational fears.

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Are you my multiplicative inverse? Because together, we are one.

* * *

How do you know the number line is the most popular?
It has everyone’s number.

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A study from MIT found that the top 100 richest people on Earth all own private jets and yachts. Therefore, if you want to be one of the richest people on Earth, you should first buy a private jet and yacht.

* * *

Why did the geometry student not use a graphing calculator? Because the cos was too high.

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Which sorting algorithm rises above others when done underwater? Bubble sort!

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Which sorting algorithm is the most relaxing? The bubble bath sort.

I collect math jokes and, of course, show them to my family. From time to time, my family contributes. The first joke is by my son, Alexey.

* * *

When you board a train traveling East from Chicago to Boston at 60 miles an hour, you realize you are a part of the problem.

And this one is one of mine.

* * *

A dyslexic’s excuse: my god ate my homework.

My grandson, Alex, heard the following famous joke.

* * *

A logician rides an elevator. The door opens, and someone asks:
—”Are you going up or down?”
—”Yes.”

He created his own version.

* * *

A logician rides an elevator. The door opens, and someone asks:
—”Are you going up or down?”
“No,” replies the logician and walks out.

Alex, though he is 10, is very good with words. I liked the wordplay in one of his comments.

* * *

This puzzle is confusling.

* * *

—Why was the fraction worried about marrying the decimal?
—Because he would have to convert.

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—How does a professional mathematician plow a field?
—With a protractor.

* * *

—How many bakers does it take to bake a pi?
—3.14.

* * *

—What did the witch doctor say after lifting the curse?
—Hexagon.

* * *

—What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of a mountain?
—A high-pot-in-use.

* * *

—What do you call a K₁ graph drawn at freezing temperature?
—An ice-olated vertex!

* * *

—What is the best way to pass a geometry test?
—Know all the angles.

* * *

—Did you hear about the over-educated circle?
—It has 360 degrees!

* * *

—What do parallel lines and vegetarians have in common?
—They never meat.

* * *

—Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
—He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

* * *

—What do you call a gentleman who spent all the summer at the beach?
—A tangent.

* * *

—What do mathematicians and the Air Force have in common?
—They both use pi-lots.

* * *

—Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
—Because then it would be a foot.

* * *

—Are monsters good at math?
—Not unless you Count Dracula.

* * *

—Why did the math professor divide sine by tan?
—Just cos.

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Two is the oddest prime.

* * *

—What’s the best way to get a math tutor?
—An add!

* * *

—Why was the equal sign so humble?
—Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

* * *

—Where do mathematicians go on vacation?
—Times Square.

* * *

—Why do cheapskates make good math teachers?
—Because they make every penny count.

* * *

—Why was math class so long?
—The teacher kept going off on a tangent.

* * *

—What did the student say about the calculus equation she couldn’t solve?
—This is derive-ing me crazy!

* * *

—Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
—It was three feet deep, on average.

* * *

—What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces?
—Natural logs.

* * *

—Why is the obtuse triangle always upset?
—It is never right.

* * *

—What is the integral of one divided by a cabin? A log cabin?
—No, houseboat — you forgot the C.

* * *

—What do you get when a bunch of sheep hang out in a circle?
—Shepherd’s pi.

* * *

—What do you call a metric cookie?
—A gram cracker.

* * *

—What state has the most math teachers?
—Math-achusetts.

* * *

—What does a hungry math teacher like to eat?
—A square meal.

* * *

—What is the mathematician’s favorite season?
—Sum-mer.

* * *

—What adds, subtracts, multiplies, divides, and bumps into light bulbs?
—A moth-ematician.

* * *

—What tools do you use for math?
—Multi-pliers.

* * *

—Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
—Because it had more cents!

* * *

—Which snakes are good at math?
—Adders.

* * *

—What is the butterfly’s favorite subject in school?
—Moth-ematics.