De-stressing Jokes

Whenever I am under stress, I turn to jokes. My recent problems with spam attacks on my blog led me to surf the web for new math jokes. Here are some of my recent translations from Russian.

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Two is the same thing as eight, to some degree.

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A girl to her mathematician boyfriend:
— Let’s do something that is forbidden tonight.
— Divide by zero?

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If thoughts converge, they are bounded.

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A mathematician’s son:
— Dad, how do I write the number 8?
— That’s easy: rotate the infinity symbol by pi over 2.

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My student couldn’t take an integral from my book. So he took the book together with all the integrals there.

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Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes is the seeker. Pascal hides, but Newton draws a 1-meter square around himself. Archimedes opens his eyes and shouts:
— I see Newton!
— Oh, no! One newton per square meter is the pascal.

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What a pleasure to smoke an e-cigarette after cybersex…

* * *

Russians were the first in the world to create a computer program that passes the Turing test. Scientists tested the program using several Russians with a variety of questions, and each time the program gave the same answer as the people. The reply to every question was, “Go f*ck yourself!”

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There are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types people…



  1. Robb Seaton:

    Sorry to hear about your spam attacks and consequent stress. Here are a couple of my favorites (I have also collected a few more in a math jokes post I made a while back):

    Theorem. All positive integers are interesting.

    Proof. Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest noninteresting positive integer. But, hey, that’s pretty interesting! A contradiction.

    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence in the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed “We can assume the length is infinite…” and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said, “I declare myself to be on the outside.”

  2. George R.:

    Dear Tanya, as far as your anti-spam hunting…ΜΗΔΕΝ ΆΓΑΝ! (miden agan) :-)
    Speaking about hunting… Me(an engineer) and two of my friends (Bob: a theoretical physicist and Rob:a statistician) went hunting the other day. A magnificent deer at 300 yards. Bob worked out relevant equations and calculations (speed of bullet,trajectories, angles etc.) assumed zero wind resistance :-) and shot! The bullet was too short. 5 yards short. I took of course Bob’s calculation for granted, added a corrective coefficient for air-resistance (which I found in “Beton-Kalender” of course..) raised the gun at a slightly bigger angle ,and shot! Bullet was 5 yards too long. Rob the statistician cheered: WE’VE GOT IT!!

    And a “Joke” from real mathematical life.
    Check out the Latin inscription/moto on Fields medal (on the side where it is written “AΡΧΙΜΗΔΟΥΣ” (by Archimedes)
    ”Transire suum pectus mundoque potiri” (“Rise above oneself and grasp the world”..or something like this ,anyway..)
    Various well respected sources (such as Wolfram Alpha, among others) attribute this quote to Archimedes.
    But this is not the case. The quote is an abstract of a 1st century ASTROLOGICAL poem by the roman poet Manilius.
    “Multum’ inquis ‘tenuemque iubes me ferre laborem,
    rursus et in magna mergis caligine mentem,
    cernere cum facili lucem ratione viderer.’
    quod quaeris, deus est: conaris scandere caelum
    fataque fatali genitus cognoscere lege
    et transire tuum pectus mundoque potiri.
    pro pretio labor est nec sunt immunia tanta,
    ne mirere viae flexus rerumque catenas”
    As a friend (a mathematician) observed : “Of all quotes in the World, they ve’ chosen a false quote of Archimedes and moreover a quote related to Astrology?? The black sheep of the “family”? :-)

    PS. I solved quite easily 8-?=2 stupid captcha! ha! :-)

  3. Bruce:

    This year the first woman was awarded a Fields Medal. Oddly, no post has been placed yet to celebrate this achievement.

  4. tanyakh:


    Everyone wrote about it. I try to write things that are not available elsewhere. If I find something original to say on the subject I will.

  5. Edward Starr:

    Tanya Khovanova,
    Your jokes are fabulous and your humor contagious. I wish you many more jokes, but without the stress. Thanks.