Ode to Menopause
As a child I felt that society expected me to grow up and be a mother. And only to be a mother. It didn’t make any sense to me, because if all that people do is reproduce, how will progress be made? So in my teens I decided that in addition to having children, I need to do something else, something to make the world a better place.
For many years I wasn’t too successful in my plan. My children were my priority. I believed that for the first three years they needed a lot of my attention, which they couldn’t necessarily get from a nanny. Later, being a single mother was so overwhelming that I didn’t have time for other missions.
As my children grew, I felt myself imposing my own ambitions onto them. It wasn’t fair to burden my children like that. I was meant to do something with my life other than bring up children. There was no substitute — I had to do it myself.
At that time, I was working at BAE Systems, but I hated my job. Its only purpose was to support my family. So as soon as my youngest son turned 16, I resigned to come back to mathematics. Though mathematics has my full attention now, my children are still my priority. I can afford to do what I love, because it is good for my children too. I am living my own ambitions, and they have the space to live theirs.
I was supposed to write about menopause. I am writing about menopause, just give me a second. I was also raised to believe that the best thing I can do for a man is to give him children. Every time I loved someone I wanted to have a child with that person, or I thought that I was supposed to want to. Now that I can’t conceive a child for any potential future husband, I feel relieved. I can’t be blamed any more for not having children. I am so happy that my current attempt at mathematics will not be interrupted any more.
I am so glad that I live in an age when women’s life expectancy is way past menopause. I might love a man again; I might marry. I am so glad that I have an excuse not to have children. I can do what I want to do. I am free.
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