My weight used to be my most guarded secret. In general, I am a very open person: I’ll tell anyone anything about me, unless it involves other people. However, there were two exceptions, both of them numbers, interestingly enough: my age and my weight. The closest I came to revealing my weight was with my sister, because we often discuss our similar health issues. Unfortunately, she knows my age, so the only missing number is my weight. I am so tired of my struggle to lose weight, that I’ve stopped caring about keeping the number secret. I am ready to tell it to the whole world.
Let me start from the beginning. I grew up in a country and at a time when men liked plump women. I was never thin, and didn’t have to worry about my weight like my thin girlfriends did. I’ll never forget my high school boyfriend telling me, “Ninety percent of men like fat women, and the other ten percent like very fat women.” When in college I weighed 70 kilograms (154 pounds) and I felt fine. I had my first child when I was 23. I gained 20 kilos while I was breastfeeding, reaching 90 kilos (200 pounds). My husband Andrey kept telling me that he liked Rubenesque women. I wasn’t even slightly concerned about my weight. When we divorced in 1988, I felt that my world was crushed and I didn’t want to go on living. As a result, I lost about 20 pounds.
By 1990 I recovered from my depression, married my next husband, and moved to the US to live with him. The US made me aware of my weight immediately. It didn’t help that Andrey remarried a woman who was the opposite of Rubenesque. From this point on, I wanted to lose weight. After my second child was born, I gained 20 kilograms while breastfeeding, just as I had done with the first child. The result was that I weighed about 220 pounds, much more than I wanted.
I started to look around at what capitalist society had to offer. The pharmacy had many products. I tried Slim Fast, which started to kill my appetite immediately. However, I began to get depressed. The depression felt foreign. As a new mother, I had been very happy before using Slim Fast, and there had been no changes in my life other than consuming Slim Fast. I stopped using it and the depression disappeared. To make sure, I did an experiment. I started using Slim Fast again and the depression reappeared within three days. I stopped it and my depression disappeared. I was so desperate to lose weight that I repeated the experiment. But the result was the same. I stopped using it, and never used any slimming supplement since then. But within that whole process, I lost some weight.
I stayed slightly over 200 pounds for several years. The third time (after the divorce and the Slim Fast) that I lost a lot of weight was when I had my heart broken about 15 years ago. Since then I’ve been slowly gaining weight.
As you can see from my story, I was never able to lose weight when I wanted to. I lost it three times, but I can’t and don’t want to reproduce those circumstances. I actually do not know how to lose weight. For the past ten years I’ve been making changes in my eating habits that I hope, cumulatively, would help me lose weight. I do not buy soda or pizza. I significantly cut my consumption of sweets and starches. I eat more fruits and vegetables. I eat half of what I used to eat in a restaurant. I am still gaining weight.
he only thing I haven’t tried is to be hungry. I am afraid of being hungry. Also I am scared that if I decide on a plan which might result in my being hungry, I will not be able to stick to it. I don’t want to discover that I don’t have enough will power. I am scared to be a failure. I hope that by writing and publishing this I’ll gain the courage to replace my half-measures with a more drastic plan.
Oh! I forgot to tell you: I weigh 245 pounds.